Starscream's Lament
by Prander
Summary: Old Starscream sure tries hard, but it's never enough. Hope this brings ya a laugh. If not, it gets deleted. Thanks for the feedback and reviews and please check out my profile or forum for a personal thank you. :)


"Behold! I Starscream have given life to a new a Combaticon! I present to you, Lord Megatron, Tank!" he flung his arm out dramatically.

"Very original." Thundercracker muttered to Skywarp.

Megatron stood with his hands on his hips, a cadre of warriors behind him, watching as the large overhead door to Decepticon base rolled up and the Decepticon named Tank came striding out on thick armored legs.

He was blocky and brutish looking with a huge cannon on his shoulder, large chunky hands and a dark green color scheme with added stripes of red, white and blue across his armored shins and forearms.

Starscream stood off to the side, out in front, puffed up with self importance like a ring master.

Megatron sneered at him a little, his eyes shifting to the one called Tank.

"Very well, Starscream you may proceed." he instructed.

"As we discussed before Lord Megatron, I have perfected the new inter-phasic technology which will allow my warrior Tank to be in direct contact with my own combat reflex circuit! He shall have the full advantage of my prowess in battle, there by tripling his efficiency!"

"Y_our _warrior?" Megatron's hot-gravel voice snarled.

Starscream gave a apologetic chuckle, raising both hands. "I...I meant the warrior I am directly in control of."  
Tank raised his own hands.

"Hey look at that! Starscream has someone to play patty-cake with." Astrotrain quipped and the others laughed.

Starscream frowned.

"Are you sure about this technology?" Megatron asked.

"Sure thing, Boss. He'll be three times as good at running away!" Skywarp called out before Starscream could even reply. The other Decepticons all cackled wickedly.

Even Megatron smirked.

"Shut up, you fool!" Starscream jabbed a finger at Skywarp.

"Shut up, you fool!" Tank echoed, turning and firing his cannon, which decapitated Skywarp with a blast of sparks and smoke. The other Decepticon's scattered, crying out in shock and anger. Megatron stayed where he was, sighing, running one hand down his face without even looking at Skywarp.

"A minor over-sight!" Starscream chuckled nervously.

He turned to Tank and jabbed several buttons on a command unit strapped to his forearm.

"Tank! Report to Lord Megatron status and combat readiness." He ordered as Soundwave gathered up Skywarp and carried him back towards the base. Rumble jogged alongside, Skywarp's head tucked under his arm.

Tank thundered up to Megatron on heavy feet and to the surprise of everyone raise his arm and saluted him with an extended middle finger. His deep voice boomed out from his speakers.

"Megatron is a fuck wit not fit to command sheep! Starscream is superior in every way! He is the greatest Decepticon who ever took to the skies! One day he will take his rightful place..."

Starscream ran up, panicked and jabbing buttons.

"That's the wrong file! Shut up!" he screeched, smacking the command unit with the flat of his hand.

"Shut up!" Tank repeated and swinging his arm, he clotheslined Starscream, knocking him flat.

The other Decepticons howled with laughter. Megatron eyes narrowed.

"Starscream...did you just punch yourself in the face?"

"No!" Starscream spat, rolling over and getting up.

"That's just his...um...lightning fast reflexes."

"He looks as fast as a rock." Thrust sneered.

"And I thought this guy was supposed to be camouflaged. What's with the matching racing stripes?" Ramjet pointed out.

"Minor details!" Starscream cried again.

"Well we can all be certain if Starscream ever does become our leader we're going to be painted up like a bunch of matching candy canes." Thundercracker snorted.

The others laughed again, though now they were eyeing Tank warily.

"All right that's enough." Megatron said. "What about his vehicle mode?"

"Yes, I was just getting to that. It's true we can use some more land based warriors in our conflict with the autobots. Tank! Transform!" Starscream tapped away on his controls.

Tank pivoted on heavy feet, took three steps and surprisingly smooth for one of his size, transformed down into a heavily armored combat tank.

"Forward!" Starscream cried but Tank's treads gave a blast of mud as they_ reversed_, rolling back through the assembled warriors. The Triplechangers, Insecticons and various others all scattered. But Frenzy, busy picking his nose and much shorter than the rest, didn't see him coming as everyone jumped aside.

"What the hell?!" he squeaked and then he was rode down, the wide heavy treads going right over him.

Everyone winced as his high pitched scream was abruptly cut off.

"Stop! Stop!" Starscream cried and Tank did just that...while still on top of Frenzy.

"This is unbelievable." Megatron groaned, again raising his hands and rubbing his temples. Starscream cowered down, misunderstanding the gesture.

"Megatron! Don't shoot!" He cried.

"Shoot!" Tank echoed and his main battle cannon roared. There was a clap of thunder and Astrotrain doubled up, gripping his mid section and keeling over, a hole burned clean through his mid section.

"Arrrgh!" he hit the ground, kicking his feet in pain.

"Whoa!" Blitzwing gasped.

"That stupid bastard shot me!" Astrotrain cried from his knees as Blitzwing bent over his fellow Triplechanger.

"Nice firepower though." he grinned, trying to help Astrotrain up.

"Okay, we've seen enough!" Megatron growled, his temper rising.

"It's just a few bugs in the system!" Starscream cringed, jabbing at the controls.

"Bugs!" Tank roared, his cannon swiveling around for new targets.

Shrapnel, Kickback and Bombshell cried out in surprise, colliding with and pushing each other as they scrambled to get out of the way.

"Not _me_! Shoot _him_!"

"Shrapnel! You _bastard_!"

"Get out of my way!"

Tank fired into the ground, blasting Bombshell and Kickback head over heels through the air. Shrapnel took one look at this and transformed, taking to the skies as Tanks gun swung up to track him.

"Ol' Shrapnels about to get swatted." One of the three Reflectors chuckled.

"Maybe we should get outta here too." A second said nervously.

"Why dontcha take a picture?! It'll last longer!" Starscream snarled, pushing through them and finally getting Tank to stop firing.

"I swear Starscream." Bombshell coughed from his hands and knees on the ground. "A Cerebro shell. Right up your ass!"

Some of the others came forward and bodily pushed Tank off of Frenzy, quite flattened and unconscious now. Others helped up the Insecticons.

"This is an absolute failure!" Megatron snarled as he came forward.

"So in that respect, your usual level of performance is spot on!" He jabbed Starscream in the chest, who stared at his leader in wide eyed terror.

Turning back to the others, Megatron growled out his commands.

"Gather up the wounded and get back inside. All of you."

"I won't be whipped for this Megatron!" Starscream suddenly cried.

"Shut up, you idiot! Do as your told!" Megatron snarled at him.

"Never!" Starscream cried, and turning he jumped up on top of Tank, jabbing furiously at the command unit on his arm.

"Tank! Destroy Megatron!" He screamed.

But Megatron was an old hand at this game of Starscream's and with no surprise at all he stepped forward and tore off Tank's main battle cannon.

Starscream gaped at him in shock, looking down at the command unit in utter surprise before Megatron swatted him off with the barrel like it was a baseball bat.

Tank transformed, dazed and shorting out as Megatron strode towards Starscream.

"Megatron, it wasn't me!" he cried, back peddling on his hands.

"Then who was it? You bumbling coward!" Megatron roared, raising the cannon. Starscream jumped up and Megatron began chasing him about, beating and kicking him while he screamed and wailed, trying to cover his head.

In an ironic twist, Tank stood there mimicking Starscreams every move, cringing and flailing and grabbing his ass with both hands as Megatron chased Starscream around, catching him every now and then with a good solid kick.

The few remaining Decepticons watched the whole spectacle.

Finally, his anger spent, Megatron turned and stalked back over to them and they all fell out, gathering up the wounded.

Ramjet walked up, hooking a finger at Tank.

"What about him, boss?" he asked. Disgusted, Megatron flung the bent up cannon at Tank. It bonked off his head and Tank reeled back.

To everyone's surprise, Starscream clutched his head and cried out too, back from where he lingered around some rocks.

"Ow!"

A evil glint of inspiration suddenly flashed through Megatrons eyes and he went over to Tank.

"Well, well, well. Now isn't this interesting." He grinned, turning around as the others waited for him to speak.

Congenially he put an arm around Tank's shoulders, the heavy Decepticon standing there with a blank look in his eyes. The other warriors came up then, understanding crossing their faces and making them leer.

"Let's just check our new Decepticon's 'battle' reflexes shall we?" Megatron said and taking Tank by the elbow he swung his fist up into his face.

The others swung back around to see Starscream suddenly swing his own fist right up into his face, knocking himself flat. They howled with laughter.

"Ramjet. Thrust. Take hold of this fool." Megatron snarled, dropping his arm and coming around to stand over Starscream. The two other jets obeyed, seizing Tank and standing there with him.

"Come along, Starscream." Megatron pulled him to his feet.

"Where are we going?!" He wailed.

"Down to the smelter. It's time we baptized our newest recruit."

"Megatron! You don't know what that will do to me!" Starscream wailed.

"Oh, but I think I do." He grinned, putting his arm across Starscreams shoulders now and turning back towards the base.

The procession made it's way inside, led by Megatron and Starscream, who comically flapped his arms now and then as Ramjet and Thrust played with Tank.

The door to their base slammed shut behind the Decepticons as evening came on.

It was going to be a warm night.


End file.
